Phyllis: (Talking about Rex) I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did.
Andrew: Well, looks like dad was into big breasts.
Phyllis: Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother

-

Carlos: You knew the one thing that I demanded was fidelity, and you still went out and screwed around behind my back.
Gabrielle: You knew the one thing I didn't want was a child, and you still tricked me into getting pregnant!
Carlos: It's not the same thing.
Gabrielle: Damn straight, what you did was worse!

-

Andrew (about Phyllis): I know she's probably a bitch, but she's family; that makes her our bitch

-

Lynette: (Talking to the dead rat) Hey little guy. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what happened with the shovel, neither one of us saw that coming, I know it's not much consolation, but you really helped my marriage. That's a lot for a little rat to accomplish in one lifetime. Well it's getting late, so, hats off to ya!

-

Edie: Karl said that you know all about our dirty little secret.
Susan: Yes, yes, I do.
Edie: Well, I feel awful. I should have told you that I was doing your ex. Well, it would've been the classy thing to do.
Susan: Well, etiquette is a lost art for a lot of people.

-

Sophie: Do you have to do this now? You are ruining my wedding rehearsal.
Susan: You've been married four times, I think you've got it down.

-

Susan: Maybe we could go out sometime.
Dr. Ron: (pauses, gestures...) Do you like sushi?
Susan: I love sushi. I'm available tomorrow night...
Dr. Ron: No, no, no... tomorrow's no good - I'll still be angry. I should be cooled down by Friday

-

Gabrielle: You! What the hell did you do with my husband?
Sister Mary: Please restrain yourself, Gabrielle, you are in the House of God.
Gabrielle: Tell me where he is!
Sister Mary: Everywhere, of course.

-

Carlos: I'm sorry, but this is your mistake. You're going to have to fix it yourself.
Gaby: And I would love to, but I have the upper body strength of a kitten. I need a brute

-

Gabrielle: Don't be so suicidal, we can always adopt.
Carlos: I wanted to have a child of our own, you know that.
Gabrielle: What does it matter whose DNA it is, the diapers are still going to smell the same regardless

-

Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him I retain all my parental rights, one of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come!

-

Gabrielle: Okay, look, we have to find another mother.
Carlos: Why?
Gabrielle: Okay, this isn't easy to say, so I'm just going to say it, but have you taken a good look at her?
Carlos: Oh my god, are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?
Gabrielle: No! Plain I can handle - Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house the clocks have stopped working!

-

Gabrielle: He's going to light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?!
Carlos: Would not have been my choice.

-

Susan: Well, I should go...
Edie: I'm not going to scream, or cry, or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, Lord knows, is my right. But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met! (turns to Dr. Ron) Do you have anything to add?
(Dr. Ron pauses, then removes the flowers from the vase on the table, and hands the vase to Edie)
Edie: Right! What the hell... (throws the vase at Karl and Susan, who duck and run)

-

Edie: If you'll excuse me, I gotta go buy a wedding dress! Oh by the way, I'll be wearing white so that'll be a surprise for everybody!